Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dame Wilma's Woeful Worries

Dame Wilma was a wondrous witch,
As wily as could be
But when it came to spells and such
In class, she earned a D.

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She couldn't deal with eye of newt.
A frog's toe made her quiver.
Her cackling just was not off-key
And broomsticks made her shiver.


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So when she went out on her own
To curse and cast her spells
She couldn't turn a prince to frog
Or make a brew that smells.

At last one day, two bats appeared
Her failures, they would banish.


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They'd help her with her spells and then
Make her detractors vanish.


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They called for aid from three small ghosts
(Named Manny, Mo, and Jack).


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And then the five debated
The best means for their attack.


So with a brew of pumpkin and


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A dash of candy corn


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And much incessant chanting
They stayed up from night 'til morn.


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At last, when day was breaking,
When the gloom of night had lifted
To inept Dame Wanda
A new spell they made and gifted.


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And with the spell Dame Wanda could
Invoke all forces natural,
Make creatures do her bidding --
A conclusion satisfactual.

"But what was in this spell of yours?"
Dame Wanda had to query.
"A touch of this, a tad of that...
Ingredients ordinary."

"We simply added everything,"
Explained the Ghost-Bat Team,


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"This always is essential:
Garlic, wine, and self-esteem."


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Bad Bod

With apologies to Shel Silverstein...

Whosever body this is should be ashamed!
Big rolls are hanging off the side.
His double chin’s triple, he moves like a cripple.
And his rear end’s becoming more squishy and wide.
His fat thighs are wedged in his work pants,
His belly hangs down to his knees.
From his ears to his colon his whole body’s swollen
He doesn’t eat anything not covered with cheese.
His shirts are all ill-fitting and snug.
Flabby arms, yep–he’s sure got ‘em.
There’s fat on his neck, his body’s a wreck,
He’s obese from his top to his bottom.
Whosever body this is should be ashamed!
Just gaze there in the mirror--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

Girl T Shirt Outline

Girl T Shirt Outline
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Polo T Shirt Outline

Polo T Shirt Outline
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Polo T Shirt Outline
Polo T Shirt Outline

Monday, August 30, 2010

Halloween: The Black and White Film Classic

Long before the Jasons and Halloween 3s, there were the classic horror films: Frankenstein, Dracula, The Werewolf, The Mummy... And all those were in glorious Black and White.

The characters on this bracelet come from a lesser-known Black and White classic horror film: Dance Hall of the Darned.  Directed by G. Goyle, the film followed the lives of a cast of bats, skeletons, black cats, ghosts, spiders, scarecrows, jack o' lanterns, witches, and a lone owl, all of whom were the last chosen as partners during dancing class. 

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After spending too much time in their wooden chairs, feeling like wallflowers, they rose up to create their own dance steps: the Batusi, the Spider Shake, Skeleton Salsa, the Black Cat Bump, the Witchy Watusi, the Jack o' Lantern Jerk, and an Owl-ish version of YMCA.  

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They took their dance act on the road, appearing after hours at such venues as The Crypt, Gus' Graveyard, and The Vindow Viper Room.

It became the feel-good B&W Halloween film of all time, thus losing any large following it might built over time.

Bid now and you'll get:

An entire dance troupe of skeletons, skulls, and bones

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the Ghostly Trio 

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Watch-My-Feet Spider

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The Batty Three

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Wilhemina Witch and her Famous Hat Dance

Black Cat Carioca


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 and more... all in glorious black and white.

Rhumba with the undead, Twist with the Twisted, Dance with the Darned...

Learn their dance steps and more right here...

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2010 Emmy Awards Jewelry Round-up


Jewelry fashion at the 2010 Emmy Awards was an eclectic mix of surprising statements and safe bets. Chandelier earrings, big necklaces and crazy cuffs mixed with (snore) diamond studs, bare necks and lots and lots of basic black. Thankfully, I had my friend, Veuve Clicquot, with me to even out the ups and downs.


BUT - I wasn't hurled into a red carpet funk, like I was at the barren bling-scape at this year's Oscars. And I have Lorraine Schwartz to thank. As you'll see, she was responsible for most of my favorite 'lower-jaw-drop' moments last night.

(And Jimmy Fallon's Glee-inspired Bruce Springsteen opening number made me want to give up jewelry blogging forever for a life of song.)

The Recap:

Kim Kardashian paired her bejeweled Grecian goddess of a Marchesa gown with an 80-carat (!) Lorraine Schwartz cuff in both white and champagne diamonds that kicked a slow-starting red carpet into high gear.


And then Lea Michele came on the scene in a ruffled navy Oscar de la Renta fantasy dress and a stunning diamond mesh statement necklace with that 'blackened metal' look that's apparently all the rage this season. Glee!!!!! And we have Ms. Schwartz to thank again.


Eva Longoria Parker and Julia Louis-Dreyfus sparkled in big earring statements from Loren Jewels (rubies) and Irene Neuwirth (chrysophase and diamonds), respectively.


But wait. Just when you thought the statement necklace was a sparkling Lea Michele mirage only to slink back to our 2009 red carpet roundups - enter: Heidi Klum in all legs and diamond and ruby neck candy by (you guessed it!) Queen Lorraine. Big win!



Yellow gold was a 'trend-lette' last night, with Glee's Jayma Mays in Neil Lane stunners and Modern Family's Sofia Vergara in a head-to-toe gold look with a dress by Carolina Herrera and jewels by (drumroll....) Lorraine Schwartz!


As were red gemstones - like this 60-carat rubellite and diamond ring by Ofira on Kyra Sedgwick (in addition to all the ruby looks mentioned above).


January Jones walked the line with me in the dress department (a daring cobalt blue Versace) but her bed-head hair style hid 10.12 carat Cartier diamond stud earrings worth $1.2 million (the horror!) and did nothing to make her avant-garde garment choice work.


And speaking of 'find the diamonds' chic - Christina Hendricks (in another trend-lette - purple), Julianna Margulies, and Julie Bowen walked the Emmy red carpet with nary a jewel to the naked eye. C'mon, ladies!



So all in all, there were some colorful, daring moves that outshined the 'play it safe' crowd at this year's Emmy-fest. I am missing many of your favorites, I'm sure (Tina Fey? Anna Paquin? Betty White?) - so weigh in with your comments and questions!

And if you want a fun jewelry romp through the Twitter-sphere, check out my live tweet at #emmyjewelry last night with great 'tramps like me' @jenniferheebner, @jessicawalden, @Michelle_Orman, @AGTA_Spectrum, @gemgossip, @JulReDesigns, @quinsultant, @Treflebijoux, @Cocoabebe and MANY more!

Let's Make a Deal

Sometimes I get concerned that there are folks who are dropping into this bloggity blog for the first time, and I’m being all ha-ha silly about this weight-loss business. I mean, to someone who has 75 lbs, 100 lbs., 200 lbs. or more to lose, this ain’t no joking matter.

Except, you see, I think it is…

Here’s the thing: me… you… we can’t do it overnight. Even the most sound plan executed in the most perfect manner with the utmost level of commitment still requires one thing above all else: time.

Day after day of sticking to your guns.

Week after week of sweat and sacrifice.

Month after month of staring at a too-fat face in the mirror.

I laugh because… really, don’t you have to laugh? Don’t you have to laugh to save your sanity? Don’t you have to laugh to keep from crying?

It would be so easy to throw in the towel, to decide that we simply don’t give a doodley-damn what the world thinks and we’re just gonna eat what we want, drink what we want and be who we are.

But you know how that story ends, don’t you?

It ends with you wallowing in self-pity and misery. It ends happily never after…

Don’t you want more than that? Don’t you deserve better than that?

I want you to do what it takes… whatever it takes… to move your life to a better place, but I also want you to understand that we’re going to be at it for quite some time.

So let’s make a deal, you and I: you keep striving to do the best you can to make your life a healthier and happier one and I’ll do my best to… ummmm… do whatever the hell I feel like doing (hey, I didn’t say it was a good deal, did I?)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Invasion!

Weekly weigh-in: 210.4
Loss: -1.9
Total loss: -81.6
Emotion: Combative

People of Earth,

This communication is to announce the beginning on an invasion on 15 or so pounds of unruly fat.

Fat, you shall be banished! Fat, your world is coming to an end!

You have been allowed to hold sway for far too long. Today is the beginning of the end of your reign.

We plan to employ strict dietary guidelines and raise workout levels to “shock and awe” intensity.

Our aim is to isolate you, obliterate you, annihilate you.

You are big, but what you don’t understand is that the world is so much bigger than you.

Your time is past.

Prepare for the invasion.

Resistance is futile.

Emperor Jack
of the Sh*ton Empire